Fevers, sore throat, significant inflammation, congestion, tightening in the throat, mouth and nasal sores and fever blisters. Sounds like lupus again. During all of this I kept going back to Jesus for answers. I pray routinely, not always morning and night but definitely morning or night. I would sing praises in the car on the way to work and I look to Him to get me though the daily gossip, laziness and poor choices of others. I finished reading "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado and I was committed to watch what I say and love more easily. After all if our Jesus could sacrifice his own flesh on the cross for us, then I certainly can sacrifice my desire to say and act on the first thought in my head. But was that truly a sacrifice? Was there more to God than prays and forgiveness? After all I have been a believer since the age of 12, maybe earlier. At twelve I knew God was the answer for everything: salvation, healing, peace, forgiveness, love, understanding, my friend, my father, my everything. I was not confused and I spent years following Him and heeded the Holy Spirit and then I spend years seeking my own human satisfaction. I would fail and again seek God and eventually seek my own desires. Knowing His love made it more difficult to come back. The guilt that I failed my father in heaven weighed heavily along with the conviction that I of all people knew better. I was met with loneliness that He could not meet me in my sin. But - coming back was no less a joy than the story of the prodigal son. I finally got on my knees before him, poured out my heart and soul and left no sin repented. No matter what I had done, that moment I felt like a princess. I knew I was his daughter, I felt one step closer than I had before. He knew how awful I could be and loved me anyways. Wow God! I never strayed into the path of drugs, beat my children, abused alcohol or sold my body. But, that does not mean my sins were less significant. God does not judge sin like we judge sin. All sin keeps us from God no matter how big or small. Thank God, Christ died for all sin, big and small. Some of us base right and wrong on our feelings and tolerate adultery but not homosexuality. Others have a more pluralistic thinking and tolerate both if they are truly in love. The bible is an absolute truth. The first lie we believe is, "God will understand" The second is "God is allowing it to teach me something'" The third is "It is all in God's time."
I lived many years with these lies. My illness brought me to a point I was impatient, short tempered, intolerant and self righteous. I believed lie #1 - God will understand. After all isn't God who is allowing my illness. He is the great healer. If He wanted to heal me He could have healed me years and years ago. And there it was, I believed lie #2. This lead to the third big lie - God will heal me in His time. In twelve years I have prayed countless times for healing and I have been on multiple pray teams. I know first hand that God heals. I was young and injured a nerve in my right elbow. After several tests the neurosurgeon recommended surgery. My mother brought me to her friend's prayer team. As the women laid hands on me and we began to pray my arm turned from cold to luke warm. My arm became wet from the condensation as the warmth returned to my arm and I watched the swelling go down and my arm returned to same size of the left. None of us were surprised. We came for a healing, we expected a healing and the healing was present. So fifteen years later when I was hit with lupus I knew God could me. At 13 I knew God would heal me but at 28 I knew God could heal me. For years I cried out to God and quoted scripture reminding Him what He promised. I believed the lies that God would heal me in His time and He is using lupus so I can be a blessing to others. I danced in circles for 12 years with these lies until now. Now there were no special prays just reading. I read books and scriptures about who God is and in return I found out who I was. I found out what God expected of me. I knew I needed to get off my medicine and allow God to work in my heart. I knew God was going to heal me and I decided I needed to fast. To be honest I was not sure why I needed to fast so I asked around and began reading about it. Within in a few pages I knew God was calling me to fast and it was very clear on how my body needed to fast. I started acupunture that week and began to wean off all my medications. I felt an immediate relief of pain in the first few moments of the needles going in. My nasal congestion cleared and I was able to breath freely through my nose. That was last day my body ran a fever. By week two of acupuncture I was med free and caffeine free. On week three I had a terrible set back of pain, migraines and weakness. I laughed to myself that if I did not know better I would think I had lupus. I started to doubt how I was going to get along without the meds or even food for that fact. I increased my water to 100 oz a day and was careful to eat healthy. One night the pain reached a new level and after hours of drilling hip pain and leg numbness I went to the couch and turned the TV on. It was at 3am and a women preacher was speaking, more like yelling and quoting scriptures of why God wants us healed. I wrote down the scriptures and prayed to the point of sweats that night. I yelled at God that He did not have to wait for the fast to heal me. He could heal me at any time if He wanted to. I quoted the scriptures this woman quoted and the pain persisted. Drained the next day I took it easy and read and prayed. I realized that each time there was a healing there was effort put forth. The one with the need did not simply kneel down and pray. They traveled to Jesus and these travels took great effort. It was not a matter of walking across the street. A healing would require an effort on my part, a sacrifice. A fast. That night I took enough meds to put me out of pain and put me to sleep. That was the last time I needs meds.
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