Thank you Dad

I was looking back at myspace blogs from last year and continue to be in awe with where I am today. My father's death open my heart. Since I was 18 and had my girls I have protected my heart. I worked on not getting too emotional, put aside "girly feeling" and in essence I had less compassion for others. I have had major issues to deal with in the past 18 years and I faced each one head on and saw it through. God has guided me ... No God has carried me through a marriage, a divorce, the girls' illnesses, buying my home, Lupus, disability, more of the girls' illnesses, a new marriage, blending a family with stepkids and my husbands vindictive ex-wife. My grandparents died the same week 1997. We were very close adn in a lot of ways my gramma was my saftey net. I was always perfect and loved in her eyes. She did not care about anything I did outside her kitchen door she just loved me. When mom told her I was pregnant, Gramma thought it was better than the airforce I just enlisted into. I lost that saftey when she died and it was hard to grieve. My mother shut down and no matter what lose I felt it was clear it did not compare to her lose. So I went forward and dealt with it. Fact was Gramma and Grampa were with God. What a wonderful place to be and I often found myself talking to them and asking God about them in our "alone time". I bought their home and remodled and I felt like I had some of them back. Ten years after my grandparents death we watched dad die. The day I called my mom while her and dad were at the doctors I knew it was bad. Dad had a chest xray and the PA looked at it and ordered a CT. When I met her at the office she asked why I came. I knew if a PA could see something worthy of a CT then the issue was obvious. After many awkward questions from me, mom finally admitted they were looking for cancer. I did not get emotional. The health professional in me took over and I was on damage control mode. There was no reason to cry until there is something to cry about. After all God is in control and that was good enough for me. I dealt with each test, each biopsy, each result and each chemo with that attitude. The day dad had his follow up PET scan and CT I was there to watch it. He was not well, he worse than not well.
That is when I allowed myself to be emotional. I was losing my dad and what was worse is mom was going to be without him. I could not imagine why she would have to do that. Each day in the hospital Dad was clearer on God's plan for himself and our family. He stopped at nothing and with no one to express his gratitude, his love for others and his love for God. We sat around, sometime in tears remember the years growing up and other times we laughed. But we knew God was taking daddy home and their was no reason to grieve , he was still here to enjoy. There were some tears in the days to follow but not many. We enjoyed our family and celebrated our life with Dad. We wanted to bring glory to God and keep our sights on Him and let Him lead our emotions and our decisions. My father's death was an amazing time. I was free to be emotional and compassionate with God guiding my grief and keeping me safe from self pity and depression.

I miss dad a lot. There is not a night that goes by that I don't think of him in someway. Going through a death of a parent defines what "I miss you" means. My girls are off to college and my mother is off to the south. I think about them each more than once everyday. I am proud of all their choices in their new beginning. I miss seeing them regularly, but do I miss them. No -- I can always pick up the phone, get on my e-mail or facebook, myspace, etc and there they are. I do miss my dad, through God's love and mercy, He fills that void and allows me my tears while my emotions are in check and without the self pity. I am still working through each issue, but now I am doing as me and not as "professional".